


Escape from the Orc Lair of Unnecessarily Revealing Armour

by cartesiandaemon



Category: Oglaf (Webcomic), Rat Queens
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-09 01:35:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8870665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cartesiandaemon/pseuds/cartesiandaemon
Summary: Imprisoned by orcs who have been sold non-functioning extra-revealing armour as part of a convoluted, badly thought out deal by Betty, the Rat Queens try to escape.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nary/gifts).



> Written for Nary as part of the 2016 Yuletide fic exchange. Thank you for the suggestion!
> 
> A cross-over between Rat Queens, and the Oglaf Orcs who wear overly-revealing armour.
> 
> It is the first story I've posted that's very smutty. It has explicit sex, in the lighthearted fashion of oglaf, and dubious consent. If you don't want to read those things, you probably don't want to read this story.
> 
> If for whatever reason, you would like to read the bickering bits but not the smut, use a text search tool in your browser and and read up until "She kind of did, Dee-dee" and then skip to "PANEL: Zoom out" (careful, explicit sex in the line before that).
> 
> Nary, I really hope this is ok for you!

PANEL: Betty, beaten up, with torn clothes, is flung against a stone wall in a cell. She splats upside-down, legs and arms slightly splayed, and falls to the floor.

PANEL: Dee lands, crushing Betty under a tangle of limbs.

PANEL: Hannah flies through the air head over heels, does a perfect roll, and lands crouching on the pile of bodies, giving a middle finger.

PANEL: Violet crashes violently into Hannah, sending both tumbling into a wall.

PANEL: A pile of bodies seen through a cell doorway. Hannah's raised arm is still giving a middle finger.

PANEL: An orc guard slams the cell door shut. The pile of rat queens are visible through the bars.  
Hannah: (groaning, angrily) Betty!

PANEL: A conversation from the pile of battered bodies.  
Betty: Why do you think this is my fault?  
Hannah: Because I'm not stupid.

PANEL: Full figure of Orc Guard, wearing an open worn leather jerkin, and a chain mail posing pouch.  
Orc Guard: (growling) If it helps, it was totally her fault.

PANEL: Rat queens sitting up.  
Hannah: What did you do this time?  
Violet: (to guard) And why are you wearing a chain-mail bikini?  
Dee: (to Betty) And where is *your* chain mail bikini?

Orc Guard: *growl*

Betty: Well...

PANEL: Hannah grabbing Betty by the throat up against the stone wall.  
Hannah: Spill.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] Betty wearing a chain-mail bikini. A large skeleton is swinging a comically oversized sword which bounces off her in a shower of sparks. It is obviously massively exaggerated brag of something that didn't exactly happen. Betty is stabbing the skeleton.  
Skeleton: Agh! Spare us Betty!

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] a crowd of people are clamouring around Betty.  
Crowd: We love you Betty!

Hannah: We all remember the chain-mail bikini. It wasn't that awesome.

Violet: I don't see what's wrong with armour that COVERS YOUR HEART AND STOMACH!  
Violet: (And breasts and arse.)

Betty: It's enchanted! You don't get any more protection from more physical metal.  
Betty: It was as good as plate, but much sexier.  
Betty: I'm a rogue. I can't wear actual armour.  
Betty: I look amazing. It's just awesome, ok?

Dee: This is beside the point. How did your sartorial choice in armour get us into this cell?  
Orc guard: She was at the trading post.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] Betty pickpocketing a small party of orcs in small corner market.  
Betty: (voice-over) I met a trading party, and saw a trinket I really liked.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] An orc swinging a club at Betty and Betty stepping out of the blow.  
Betty: (voice-over) They shared some fighting techniques with me.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] A spirited fight.  
Betty: I made a counter-offer.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] Betty and orcs being dragged apart by town guard.  
Betty: And when things calmed down...

PANEL: Orc guard head shot.  
Orc guard: We asked her how she fought so well without armour.

PANEL: Betty and orc guard  
Betty: I told them about enchanted armour.  
Orc guard: No you didn't.

PANEL: Betty  
Betty: I told them all the advantages of revealing armour.  
Betty: The ease of movement.  
Betty: Showing off your assets.  
Betty: But I forgot one thing...

Dee: Orcs are ugly?  
Betty: No!  
Orc guard: No!  
Violet: No!

PANEL: Half-size panel of each pane of argument  
Orc Guard: She forgot to tell us the armour only works because it's enchanted!

Betty: I thought that was obvious.

Orc guard: So why did you talk the general into buying a large consignment of unenchanted skimpy armour?

Betty: Because I wanted the money?

Orc guard: BUT THEY'RE USELESS.

Betty: I thought you were planning to enchant them once you'd got them.

Orc guard: With our orc wizards? The learned orcs known for their mastery of arcane magic?

Betty: That's a vile slur! Orcs can be wizards.

Orc: But we're NOT. Why did you think we were buying them if they would be completely useless to us?

Betty: Because you were stupid? Cavvy-at empty-or, it's not my fault you jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Orc: It's not my fault you're going to die in the gladiator pits

Betty: Won't get your money back though, will it?

Orc guard: GRAAAAH!

Dee: Stop taunting the jailer.

Hannah: And you're the rogue. Get us out of here.

Betty: I'm doing it! I'd doing it.  
Betty: I can pick this lock in seconds.  
Orc guard: You know I'm right here in this conversation, right?

PANEL: The cell door. A large wooden beam slid through iron hoops on either side. Behind it, Violet's face.  
Violet: And you know the door doesn't have a lock?

Betty: It doesn't matter. I can seduce my way out of here.  
Orc guard: You know I can hear that too?

Betty: I'm just that good.

PANEL: Betty running hand along her body.  
Betty: Wouldn't you like some of this.

Orc guard: I know it's a trap. If you escape, I'll be next up in the punishment queue.

Betty: But guards let people trick them *all the time*. If they still respected your competence after the trading mess, you'd be on the front line, not stuck guarding a bunch of prisoners.

Betty: You know, tomorrow, they'll probably kill us. Or sell us to the gladiator pits, or the brothel wagon.

Betty: I'd love to have a real Orc one last time before that.

Betty: They pay you well, right? You could easily afford a few hours with a fresh exotic in the brothel wagon?  
Betty: Or not?

PANEL: (paired with following panel)  
Betty: Have you had a halfling?

PANEL: Close-up.  
Betty: *Ever*?

PANEL: Orc looking at Betty speculatively.

PANEL: Betty beckoning lasciviously.

Orc: So... what exactly are you proposing here?

Betty: You shuffle over to these bars.

PANEL: Close up of Orc's crotch.  
Betty: Ease yourself out of that ridiculous little bikini.

PANEL: Betty miming.  
Betty: And reeeeeach through the bars, and I'll have a little taste.

Betty: And we'll go from there.

Orc: You want me to let you go?

Betty: Oh no, we couldn't ask that!

Betty (best fake innocent look): It's not a trick, honest! I just really like you.

Orc: So, you give me a blow job? And I don't have to do anything in return?

PANEL: Betty winks.  
Betty: Only some thrusting

Orc: Well...  
Betty: Yes?  
Orc: I can't say no to that.

Hannah: JACKPOT!

Hannah: What?  
Hannah: I'm sorry, ignore me.  
Hannah: Go back to your bad flirting.

Orc: But not with you.

Betty: What?

Orc: I'm up against a flogging here, if I'm risking that I want what I actually want.

Betty: Which isn't me?

Orc: No.  
PANEL: Betty pouts.

Orc: I want the cute, up-tight one.  
PANEL: Hannah, Dee and Violet look at each other, wondering who he means.

Betty: Come on, uh...  
Orc: The cleric. The one with the skulls.

PANEL: Large panel of Dee.  
Dee: Oh, N'Rygoth. No fucking way.

Betty: Come on Dee, don't make the nice Orc feel unwanted.

Dee: There's a reason for that.

Betty: Remember, you're trying to seduce him here.

Dee: You seduce him!

Betty: I just did. It's working!  
Violet: She kind of did, Dee-dee.

PANEL: Betty mimes licking.  
Betty: Come on, just a liiiiitle licking.

Dee: NO!

Betty: Go on, show her the goods.  
PANEL: Large panel, paired with same pose in next panel. Orc rips away chain-mail bikini.  
PANEL: Large panel, paired with same pose in prev panel. 3/4 erect orc penis is exposed. Twisted and scarred, it looks not diseased, but cursed. A drop of black ichor glistens on the end.

Dee: I AM NOT PUTTING THAT IN MY MOUTH.

Hannah: What the fuck happened, dude?  
Orc: We were clearing out the necromancer's dungeon.

Orc: I found a trap slightly too late.  
Betty: With your face.  
Violet: Well, with his dick.

Orc: It doesn't hurt.  
Orc: I mean, for you. As well as me.  
Orc: Well, unless you're part celestial?  
Orc: Are you part celestial? Cos, you know... (anticipatory look)

Dee: I don't care!

Betty: Stop being so squeamish.  
Betty: It's like you don't even want to suck Orc dick.

PANEL: Extra large.  
Dee: I DON'T want to suck Orc dick.

Hannah: Come on, it's not like you've never sucked someone off for...

PANEL: Hannah's face.  
Hannah: Have you ever sucked someone off?

Dee: Shut up.

Hannah: Maybe you'll like it.  
Betty: You'll *definitely* like it.  
Violet: Hopefully you'll like the chance of escape.

Dee: Fucking fine.

Dee: But Betty, you owe me BIG.  
Dee: Like, go a whole mission without screwing up and getting us captured big.  
Dee: OK?  
Betty: Good luck with that.

Orc: Get on with it, then.

PANEL: Dee walks over to bars.  
Dee: Come on, then.  
Dee: I swear I'm not going to bite it off.

PANEL: Orc glaring.

Orc: Swear by N'Rygoth.

PANEL: Dee glaring back.

Orc: Or I can shout upstairs, the prisoners are trying to escape.  
Orc: Big rush of guards, beat you up some.

PANEL: Betty and Orc staring each other down.  
Betty: If the guards come, you won't get your wiener polished by the cute cultist.  
Orc: If the guards come, no-one will ever get their wiener polished by the cute cultist ever again.

PANEL: Dee  
Dee: By N'Rygoth.  
Dee: I will not sink my teeth into your stupid wiener.  
Dee: I will not bite it off and spit it out.  
Dee: Or any other parts of your anatomy either.

Orc to Betty: Isn't that more fun than having you do it?  
Betty: *pouts*

Orc: Does she keep her word?  
Dee: Fuck you, yes!  
Hannah: Yes, of course.  
Violet: Sadly.  
Betty: Of course not, uh, I mean, yes.

PANEL: Full panel of Dee, standing challengingly  
Dee: Come on, stop fucking around then.

Six panels together:

Orc: Kneel.  
1\. PANEL: Dee reluctantly kneeling.

2\. PANEL: Orc has moved up against bars, gripping Dee by the hair. The following panels are mostly seen past orc from behind, focussing on Dee.

3\. PANEL: Orc's hand roughly caresses Dee's face, tilting her head to the side

4\. PANEL: Orc's hand roams down over her chest, squeezing her breast through her tunic.

5\. PANEL: Orc's hand runs over her leg, sliding behind the thin strip of cloth between her legs, showing her leg all the way up, and cupping her.

6\. PANEL: Dee punches Orc in the testicles. He doubles over, smashing his face into the bars, but keeping hold of Dee's hair.

Hannah: Dude, don't get greedy, keep to the deal.  
Orc (winded, to Dee): Get on with it, then.

1\. PANEL: Side view of Dee kneeling before Orc, erect penis sticking through bars of cell. He still holds her hair. The next few panels copy the pose.

2\. PANEL: Dee squinting at penis.

3\. PANEL: Dee ducking her head forward, then shying away.

4\. PANEL: Dee sticking her tongue out, cringing away from touching the penis.

5\. PANEL: Dee delicately licking the side of the penis. It twitches appreciatively.

6\. PANEL: Dee touching the tip of the penis with her lips, tongue delicately teasing the tip.

1\. PANEL: Closer view for the next few panels, showing Dee shoulders up. Orc twisting Dee's hair to bring her closer.

2\. PANEL: Dee sliding her mouth forward.

3\. PANEL: And more forward.

4\. PANEL: And engulfing most of the penis.

5\. PANEL: Head moving back and forth.  
Orc: Ooooaaaah.

6\. PANEL: Zoom out from same angle. Hannah shoulder-charges the door, sending it crashing flat crushing the Orc. Violet and Betty rush through the doorway behind her, grabbing Dee up.

PANEL: Hannah and Violet drag Dee forward. She wipes a black stain off her mouth with an ambiguous backwards glance.

PANEL: In four small panels:  
Betty (to door): I said I could pick you even without a lock.  
Betty (to Orc): Next time, bad boy *blows kiss*  
Betty (grabbing Orc's chain-mail bikini and coin purse): Waste not, want not.  
Betty (kicking Orc through the bars): And be nicer to Dee next time.

Hannah (striking a dramatic pose): This way to freedom!

PANEL: A full page. The rat queens run from the corridor into a whole band of orcs, surrounding the orc general. In a corner, several of the orcs are exchanging money, and arguing about who won which bets about how long it would take for the queens to escape.  
Hannah (striking a dramatic pose): The other way to freedom!


End file.
